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First day no bandage

First day no bandage

It’s pretty swollen as you can see and I can’t stand to look at it right now. It will be a process, but I know with time it will eventually go down and blend in with the skin! Just a photo tonight, hoping for good news on the pathology results hopefully tomorrow!! I’ll keep you updated as I know more.

P.S. Still hating life on the drugs, but I’m starting to notice more when the side effects are coming on!

Love to you all, until tomorrow!

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Aside

Today was my first real day on the synthroid and not sure if it was the medicine or something else, but for about an hour I felt real sick today. I got super hot and dizzy and it felt like some one put eat muffs on my head. My heart started racing and I felt like I was going to pass out but I managed to lay down for a couple hours and get over it. 

Other than that, today was an ok day.  While my neck has become more swollen and stiff, my throat is actually better today than it was. I have this cough going on right now though that is more annoying than anything. I was able to eat a little more though so that was a good thing. 

Going to head to bed early tonight and try again with the medicine tomorrow. Hopefully it will become easier the more I take it and tomorrow is a new day for that! 

Love to you all, until tomorrow! 

Surgery has come and gone!

Yesterday was a very long day! Got there at 1030 and ended up heading back to surgery at around 1230. The worst part for me is how they give you medicine to relax you right before you go in,  and then once you get in the room there are about 7-10 people just staring at you ready for you to fall asleep. It always seems to go by so quick accept for people waiting. Recovery is the worst because you are sore and completely out of it. Everyone is trying to get you to wake up when all you want to do is fall back asleep.

I finally got into my room around 5pm I think and don’t really remember a lot from there. It was not pleasant to try and eat or drink anything, but I managed some ice chips, water, a little Italian ice, and about 5 pasta noodles. It was a rough night by myself as I want really getting a lot of relief from the painkillers at first so it made it pretty miserable just to try to lie down. Eventually the pain was under control with a mixture of Norco’s and morphine, but at that point I had a different nurse in and out of the room about every hour or 2.

 The surgery went as well as could be expected. My surgeon was able to save all of my parathyroid glands and caused no damage to the vocal chord nerves which were the 2 main concerns. And all of my calcium levels checked out again this morning which meant I was discharged around 10 or so.

To be honest I spent most of the day asleep. I slept for about 4 hours when I got home and then went out for about an hour before falling asleep for another 3-4 hours. I’m very sore,  more so than I expected I think and besides my voice sounding very hoarse and weak,  it’s very difficult to both talk for extended periods of time or talk at a normal pitch.  I feel the softer I talk the less painful it is. Food has not been easy,  but I did manage to eat some fish  and butter noodles for dinner. Now it is just a matter of getting used to the synthroid medicine which I’m hoping goes smoothly. 

All in all things went great and now it’s taking the recovery process 1 step at a time and waiting for the pathology results to come back. Not sure when I will get those but hopefully next week. Then it’s just endo and surgeon follow up both on the 31st of this month. 

Thank you for all the support and prayers, I truly feel they were heard! Sorry for no update yesterday after surgery,  I didn’t think it would be a great idea to have a drugged rambling idiot posting. Now I take it day by day and hope to continue to get positive results. Oh yeah and that my voice will eventually stay working again soon and that I can move from an all soft diet!  Baby steps though,  I get it, right now it is managing the pain and keeping the incision from getting infected. Again,  thanks for all the support and I will continue to post as I can! 

Love to you all, until tomorrow!

The day has arrived!

Well it’s the night before surgery and I’m sure even with the sleeping pill I won’t be doing much sleeping. The details are that I have to be at Evanston hospital at 1030 and the surgery is scheduled for 1215 with an end time of 330. Then it is in recovery until 430 and hopefully in a room by 5. All I know is is going to be long day with probably no food. 

I’m nervous, I’m scared, I’ll be eventually relieved when it is out, but it’s a lot of different emotions running in every which direction. I’ve had plenty of surgeries before, 5 knee surgeries and a gall bladder, but none of them terrify me more than tomorrow. It’s a feeling I can’t explain, but one that is so powerful it consumes my every thought. I’m not worried that something is not going to go okay, I’m worried with how invasive the procedure is.

The thought of going into surgery feeling relative fine and then coming out to a however long recovery process when all is said and done is just crazy to me. I know the one step at a time, but this is truly my first major step to beating this thing out of my body. 

This is the time more than ever if you all could please think good thoughts and send positive vibes my way it would be greatly appreciated. It will be a very long and trying day and I pray that I have the strength to tackle it had on. Thank you everyone again for the prayers and support, please keep them coming. I will update you all as soon as I am able to. 

 Love you all, until tomorrow!

Getting closer!!

The day is almost here and it is crazy to think about!  I was really stressed today at work which made for a long afternoon. I broke down today and I think it was a good thing for me because I have been trying so hard to not let it affect me and not show any emotion, but it happened and it felt good to just let it out. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m scared for Thursday. I keep telling myself that is no big deal and I will be fine, which I will, but I think deep down I’m more nervous than I thought I would be. 

I had to get a new phone today because my phone finally stopped working, so maybe I’ll spend the next couple days trying to figure that out and not think about surgery. I did realize one of my biggest fears going into the surgery though, what if I come out and can’t talk? I know it sounds stupid, but it is a possibility. Now I know I shouldn’t be thinking about that stuff, but it is still in the back of my mind. It’s such a weird feeling to go into something feeling relatively normal and know you are going to feel like crap after. 

 My mind has finally caught up with me and I feel like I am losing my tough edge. I find myself more stressed with work and worrying about the next couple weeks, it can be very overwhelming at times. Again lost it today, but this time it was after work to one of my Co workers. I do well for certain periods of time where my poker face is flawless, but then there are times that I just need to let it out like today. It felt good, a much need release! 

 Now the hope is that I figured out my alarm enough on my new phone so it actually goes off when it is supposed to tomorrow! Here’s to getting some sleep and for a better tomorrow! 2 days from tomorrow and the day will finally be here! 

 Love to you all, until tomorrow! 

Crazy 2 days!

This is a warning this is a long post (sorry, lots to write)!

Talk about going from a super high to a low in the span of 2 days, woah! So I didn’t get a chance to post yesterday but as a lot of you probably already know, I’m on the books for surgery July 18th! That was such an incredible relief to know I have a date set now to get this thing out of me.

As far as the actual time of surgery, I won’t know that until the day before. I believe she said I will either be the first case at 730 am or the second case at 1215pm. The surgery is scheduled for 3+ hours which will be the longest surgery I’ve ever had. Knees and gall bladder removal at most were 1.5 hours. Then I will have to stay overnight for observation and make sure all my levels are regulated. I’m not looking forward to the surgery, but I am looking forward to being able to get rid of some of the mental anxiety by them taking this thing out!

Speaking of anxiety, that brings us to today. I had scheduled my pre-op apt at my regular doctor thinking everything could be done there. It was kind of weird to me that I just had my physical and yet I had to go back for another one. Turns out from the date I had may physical to the surgery date is 34 days and its mandated that the physical be within 30 days. Stupid yes, and my doctor thought so as well. So we ended up talking the whole appointment about, truthfully, what to expect after surgery.

Basically, it could be a rough couple weeks. She said that because of the size of the tumor, I may be a little bit more sore and stiff than others just because of the larger area they have to cut and cauterize. This is all understandable and never once did I think it would be pleasant, but she also said the synthroid dose that I will be taking for the first 2 weeks is so amped up that it could make me feel sick which is something I’m not looking forward to. There were some other things we went over as well that is just going to have to be monitored on a day to day basis , but I’m hopeful everything will work out ok. She also decided that my anxiety is way high right now, which she said was understandable, but so she gave me some drug that is supposed to shut off my mind and hopefully allow me to sleep a bit so I can be rested for surgery. My doctor hugged me before I left and said, “everything will be ok, good luck with your surgery, and we will get through this together”. Yep, you guessed it, cue the waterworks! It just made me feel so incredibly lucky to have a doctor that I truly feel cares, it’s an amazing feeling.

Anyways, after an emotional afternoon thinking at work, a friend sent my something that fits so perfectly right now, “some of life’s best lessons are learned at the worst times”. It just stuck with me, and I realized that through all of this, I’m learning so much about the power of prayer and support, and how humbling it is to read messages from you guys everyday! It truly makes a difference, and this saying alone turned the afternoon around. I went to the hospital so they could take blood for what seemed like Dracula and his whole family, and then I was done for the day.

The countdown to surgery has now started, but I have comfort knowing so many people are behind me. 

Love to you all, until tomorrow!

Aside

Let’s make this official already!

Well another day has come and gone. Today was definitely better than yesterday, but I’m hoping tomorrow will be even better. I am hoping that July 18th goes from a “tentative” surgery date to an actual surgery date. I was told by the surgery scheduler that if I don’t hear from her by 10 am tomorrow that I should give her a call. You better believe that if I don’t hear from her, the phone will be in my hand with the number dialed at 9:59!

i think that has been part of my deal lately is I am by no means looking forward to the surgery, but I just want to get this tumor out already. I can feel it every time I swallow and I see it when I look in a mirror. For the tentative to turn to an official date would be one less thing I have to worry about! I was tempted to call today and pretend like I didn’t know what day she told me to call, but then I thought better of it because if she still didn’t have and answer I would have been more anxious than I already am about it.

So please, lots of prayers and positive vibes that July 18th will become official! I need to keep the process moving along and these long waiting periods do not help.

That is all I have for tonight, but I hope to come back tomorrow with some good news!

Love to you all, until tomorrow!

Get me off this emotional roller coaster!

It’s been a weird 24 hours and I’m still trying to figure it out. It started yesterday when I got home from work (which is mostly the reason I didn’t post yesterday). I got home, ate dinner and was up in my bed at 7:30pm. Woke up at 10pm still in my work clothes and proceeded with the 1-2 hour naps until 5am this morning. That, for the most part, is not unusual, aside from the going to bed at 7:30 part.

Today started out fine, but it unfortunately didn’t stay that way. I felt like I was in a haze all day. I couldn’t shut my mind off and it was very frustrating. I’m generally not a moody person but ever since I have been diagnosed with cancer, I don’t know what emotion I will go through next. As I write, it all sounds kind of stupid to me like why can’t I control this, but I don’t have an answer. I think that has been the hardest part for me is that even though I have a huge support system, there are times that I feel overwhelmed and alone with everything.

Today’s trigger? All my health records, tests, appointments, etc. can be accessed online and I am alerted through email if something new is posted. Well, it said I had a new test result, so I looked and didn’t see anything. So I kept opening all my previous test results, and then I clicked on “health summary”. Again, this seems stupid as I write, but was very difficult for me to read “Malignant neoplasm of thyroid gland”. I just stared at it knowing that no matter what happens in the future, that health summary will always be in there. It’s hard to just look at it, let alone hear it.

I get very frustrated with myself because every time I feel like I have a handle on things and have accepted the diagnosis, a day like today happens and I feel vulnerable that reality has not truly sunk in. It is so incredibly hard to describe because I don’t know when I will have good moments or bad moments, they seem to just happen without invitation or any type of notice. I’m told that this is ok, and in fact normal to feel this way, but it doesn’t make it any easier when the tough times come. I say about 100 times at work each day “I’m good how are you” even though at a precise moment, I may not be good, I might be having a moment.

Either way, I know it will get better. It may take some time, but it will. In the meantime I am going to try to figure out my crazy emotional roller coaster and see if I can maybe tame it a little for right now. I can’t make any promises, but I am trying very hard right now to think nothing but positive, happy thoughts!

Thanks everyone for listening and supporting, words cannot express how grateful I am for each and every one of you, and also the ability to be able to just write it all out. I feel much better already 🙂

Love to you all, until tomorrow!

Much needed weekend

It’s been a couple days since I posted, but this 4 day weekend was AMAZING and much needed! I mean who doesn’t love a long weekend? To be honest though, I wasn’t sure how it would go with being off from coaching off from coaching softball this weekend. I can honestly say the last 4 days were a sort of mini stay cation in which I tried to think as little as possible about anything medical.

The 4th of July was fun with both family and friends over to enjoy the company with. We grilled out and did some swimming, but the best part was I could enjoy myself without having to worry about doctor’s appointments or test results. The thought that cancer is still with me creeps into my mind at random times, but I’ve learned this weekend to not let it change who I am or what I want to do. I laughed a lot this weekend and hung out with some pretty amazing people. I don’t think I can put into words how important it was, from a mental aspect, just to be able to get out and have fun with the people closest to me.

Next step, as I believe I mentioned before, is surgery which is tentatively scheduled for the 18th of this month. I say tentatively because I won’t find out for sure until the 11th (this Thursday). All of my surgeon’s operating days were already filled for the month of July so they have put in a request with the hospital to open up an operating room on a day my surgeon normal does not operate. They are hopeful that this day will work as they have 2 other patients which they would be trying to fit in on the same day to make a full day as opposed to just opening an operating room for only 1 surgery. The date is getting closer, but I am sure it will feel a lot more real once it actually becomes an official date.

So I guess technically the waiting continues, but hopefully during that time I can remain as stress free as possible. Tomorrow should be an interesting day as I will have to call and set up short term disability through work once this process of surgery and radiation begin. I have already let that process stress me out before, but am going to do my best to keep an open mind and let things fall into place which ever way they need to.

Until tomorrow, love to you all!