I’m not even sure where to begin writing this one, but as I lay in bed with so many thoughts and emotions running around, I know that I need to get some of it out! I’m not ashamed to admit it to anyone reading that as I’m writing this tears just roll down my face for no reason. It has been happening quite a bit actually and I’m learning that mood swings to the extreme, have been very difficult to deal with. I never know what’s going to bring on which emotion, or when I am going through a tough mood saying, how to get myself through. I know sometimes they are brought on due to my fogginess, if you will, from the medication. At first, I just shook things off like I have always been so good at doing, but every little bit of forgetfulness is driving me nuts. For example, on multiple occasions I get in my car to drive somewhere only to realize I’m not even going in the right direction of where I need to be. Or, sitting with a blank stare knowing I need to be doing something but I can’t for the life of me remember what exactly it is. We also have getting dressed which I seem to mess up more often than not lately.
All of the above are very frustrating by themselves, let alone the random anger, sadness, happiness, you name it and I guarantee I have been there in the last week alone. People tell me that I just need to try to find a way to control it but how do you control something that has taken over who you are?
Something will have to change because I don’t like who I am right now with the ups and downs. I want me back 100%. I know it seems difficult to comprehend from the outside looking in, but trust me, it’s no place I would want my worst enemy to be. It takes a toll both physically and mentally and at times I feel like I have to keep moving forward and just keep my head above water enough to make it back to solid land eventually.
Thanks for letting me vent mindlessly and with no direction, but I really needed to get that out of my head and move on!
Love to you all!