It’s been a weird 24 hours and I’m still trying to figure it out. It started yesterday when I got home from work (which is mostly the reason I didn’t post yesterday). I got home, ate dinner and was up in my bed at 7:30pm. Woke up at 10pm still in my work clothes and proceeded with the 1-2 hour naps until 5am this morning. That, for the most part, is not unusual, aside from the going to bed at 7:30 part.
Today started out fine, but it unfortunately didn’t stay that way. I felt like I was in a haze all day. I couldn’t shut my mind off and it was very frustrating. I’m generally not a moody person but ever since I have been diagnosed with cancer, I don’t know what emotion I will go through next. As I write, it all sounds kind of stupid to me like why can’t I control this, but I don’t have an answer. I think that has been the hardest part for me is that even though I have a huge support system, there are times that I feel overwhelmed and alone with everything.
Today’s trigger? All my health records, tests, appointments, etc. can be accessed online and I am alerted through email if something new is posted. Well, it said I had a new test result, so I looked and didn’t see anything. So I kept opening all my previous test results, and then I clicked on “health summary”. Again, this seems stupid as I write, but was very difficult for me to read “Malignant neoplasm of thyroid gland”. I just stared at it knowing that no matter what happens in the future, that health summary will always be in there. It’s hard to just look at it, let alone hear it.
I get very frustrated with myself because every time I feel like I have a handle on things and have accepted the diagnosis, a day like today happens and I feel vulnerable that reality has not truly sunk in. It is so incredibly hard to describe because I don’t know when I will have good moments or bad moments, they seem to just happen without invitation or any type of notice. I’m told that this is ok, and in fact normal to feel this way, but it doesn’t make it any easier when the tough times come. I say about 100 times at work each day “I’m good how are you” even though at a precise moment, I may not be good, I might be having a moment.
Either way, I know it will get better. It may take some time, but it will. In the meantime I am going to try to figure out my crazy emotional roller coaster and see if I can maybe tame it a little for right now. I can’t make any promises, but I am trying very hard right now to think nothing but positive, happy thoughts!
Thanks everyone for listening and supporting, words cannot express how grateful I am for each and every one of you, and also the ability to be able to just write it all out. I feel much better already 🙂
Love to you all, until tomorrow!